Narnia
Of the numerous places that I have visited in my life, I would like to share one place, a villa in Yangpyeong Korea, that left an enormous impact. I first visited my villa which was located on top of the mountain when I was ten. Since I didn't have the slightest idea that I would have to climb the mountain, I figured the heavy rain from the day before would not affect my attire, so I was wearing shorts and flip flops. However, when I saw the mountain, it looked like an uncharted territory with ivy and trees everywhere without a noticeable path. It would be no surprise if a deer or a rabbit popped out. As I was going up the mountains, the rocks shook, and roots spread in attempt to make me fall. There were branches and bushes grabbing, and tearing at my clothes and skin. By the time I arrived, I looked as if I washed ten cats. there were scratch marks all over my body, and I was soaked with sweat.
When I arrived, it felt as if I was in a new world. The first thing I noticed was the smell of fresh cut grass while feeling the cool and refreshing breeze. It was an open place where I was able to see rivers, mountains with fog. There were numerous other astonishing factors like the fire place to make a little bonfire, the best part about the place was the sunset. Looking at the red, yellow, and orange sun slowly spreading through the horizon, while browning marshmallows on the bonfire, and drinking fresh, cold water from the lake, I felt as if I had the whole world to myself.
My villa, although it was hard to get there, reminds me of Narnia. There is a different view, and a different feeling depending on the season. It feels like I am going to four different places while getting the same comfortable feeling of "home," yet having a new, and adventurous feeling at the same time. To this day, during holidays, or when I have some free time, I find myself coming here. It is not that far away, and it is well worth the time and effort going there.
From. Hyejin Kim
ReplyDeleteTo Edward Yom
1, The best part I liked was "By the time I arrived, I looked as if I washed ten cats" since it was very humorous and well-describing your looks I thought.
2. I thought you described well the path to go to the place and the scenery of the place, however, there were not many descriptions of the place itself.
3. I especially liked the part of "Looking at the red, yellow, and orange sun slowly spreading through the horizon," and the description of the smell (fresh cut grass).
4. The mood was quite adventurous, fresh, active and peaceful in some points.
5. As the writer mentioned earlier, he chose the place because it was the most impressive place he has ever visited.
6. To make a suggestion, I thought you would better to add a special story and event to make readers think this place is "meaningful" to you. Also, if I were you, I would like to add more descriptions in the last paragraph. Since you said you could feel different feeling depending on the seasons, I wanted you to add each description depending on the season.
Your best point of the writing is the point of 'smell of fresh cut grass while feeling the cool and refreshing breeze'. This really make me easy to think of what you want to imagine about. This was very good point. But I was not clear of some point. For example, you wrote 'as if I was in a new world' but I really wonder what is new world. I understand you are trying to describe at the next few sentence but I think it's still unclear. It would be better to say what is new world to you. Mentioning one more time, 'The smell of fresh cut grass' is really good sense of smelling. Also 'while browning marshmallows on the bonfire, and drinking fresh, cold water from the lake' is good example to show your feelings of tasting. The place is really peaceful place and it makes me easy to think of the archtype of paradise. Place is calm with deep smell of nature. The writer choose this place because this is the place were he reminds me Narnia, both comfortabel and adventurous. Overall he shows good writing but I think it would be much better if he put more details in the body paragraphs. Also more concrete type of writing like opening with a hook. Hook looks quite not good to attract the reader.
ReplyDeleteFrom: Namhye
ReplyDeleteTo: Edward
1. I like the sentence " I looked as if I washed ten cats. there were scratch marks all over my body, and I was soaked with sweat." This looks very great, and novel. You described the situation well.
2. I think it would be better if you mentioned the name of the mountain.
3. (1)The first thing I noticed was the smell of fresh cut grass while feeling the cool and refreshing breeze/ I can feel the sense of fresh breeze too.
(2) There were branches and bushes grabbing, and tearing at my clothes and skin./ I can also imagine how it would hurt.
4. I think overall the mood of this writing is curious, excited, natural, and missing.
5. He wrote about the villa, as it made an important impact on him.
6. I would like to suggest that you write more about what you did there.