First draft of Ch.3
201200235 Kwon Hye-ji
My Father My Forever Teacher
Fathers teach everything to their children. I also have learned many things from my father whether he intended to teach them. Because we live together I got a lot of influences from him all the time. They were mostly positive lessons.
First, I learned from him how to respect others by listening closely. When I was young, I tended to like telling my opinions rather listening others. So, when I had an argument with my brother, I did not try to listen his voice and even sometimes I disregarded his opinions. Telling my opinions and making him to agree with them were the most important things for me. However, whenever I did it, my father said my brother's ideas were as good as mine. When he talked about his opinion, he always started with saying "Interesting ideas and I agree with you in some ways." I thought he showed respects to others by listening them so after then I also always listen carefully before I state my opinions.
Second, I learned preparedness from him. He stared a business 2 years ago. Because he had never done his own business he was afraid of starting it. He was a public official and 50 years old at that time. As you know, most mid-aged people do not want to take a risk that may affect their constant life and they like to stay in the stable present state. My father was also like one of them before he started his own business. As he decided to do it, he began to study about the business at home. After he came back from his working, he researched and studied about the relevant government policies and others' cases to his new job. He only studied like that for a year even though his first business was not so big. A year later, he accomplished opening a new business and it was successful. By researching and studying many times, he could reduce possible risks. I was impressed by his preparedness.
Third, he is so domestic. Nowadays, he is preparing a new business and it will be bigger than the previous one. Bigger business means higher risks but more profits. When people get an opportunity to make a great deal of money, some just think to spend the money for their own family and they do not care about their sisters' or brothers' family. Even some keep the chance in secret. However, my father is planing to invite his sister and my mother's brother in the new business because she has a small paid job and he has no job. They are suffering from financial difficulties. I was surprised when I heard this plan at first. I did not even think it would be a family business. None of my relatives runs a family business and they are only working for their own family. This is so natural and I do not mean they are selfish. However, my father is only one who really gives a practical help to family. I realized how he is thoughtful and he always cares about family.
I love what he thaught me. I learned how I can succeed by preparing well, how to respect others by listening, and his love for family. I want to practice those lessons in my life. I will do my best for my job and for my family. He is always the best and forever teacher of my life.
From. Hajin Ahn
ReplyDeleteTo. Hyeji Kwon
1. I can feel from your essay you respect your father a lot.
2. (1)listen carefully to others
(2)learned preparedness
(3)my father is only one who really gives a practical help to family.
All these uses of positive expressions
describing your father showed how much you think highly of him.
3. What the person looks like
- I could not find any
What the person says
-"Interesting ideas and I agree with you in some ways."
What the person does
-After he came back from his working, he researched and studied about the relevant government policies and others' cases to his new job.
What other people say about the person
- I could not find any
4. You wrote "I learned how I can succeed by preparing well, how to respect others by listening, and his love for family." If you wrote like this, I think you should have explained how you succeeded by learning all those things.
5. I think you chose to describe your father because he has influenced you a lot and what he taught seemed to become central beliefs of your life.
6. I would like you to explained how you applied those lessons in your life even though it's only about your father. I think that would show that he has influenced you indeed
Also, If you add some description on your father's appereance in your next draft, it would be much better and makes the reader be more interested in reading your essay.
1. Your father was taught the real important thing in life to you.
ReplyDelete2. (1) He learned her how to respect others.
(2) He showed the concrete preparedness.
(3) He is a domestic man but he is not selfish.
3.
(a) There is no sign of his appearance.
(b) He gives practical help. and "Interesting ideas and I agree with you in some ways."
(c) After he retired from the work, he started new business and it was big sucess. He also uses his money only for his family.
(d) There is no writing about other people says about him.
4. I cannot understand deeply about the father. Your writing was very interesting to read and you analized well. But I wonder how about you add some of the quote or some more vivid experience. It feels like it make a gap among the writing and it gives me hard to understand what your father's image are in the wriitng
5. Because her father was the most impressive man in the writer's life. From the writing, I can find out that he is a great man and his every lessons are valuable to the writer. That is why I think the writier choose her father to write about. Most familiar, and also most honorable.
6. I want to ask two things for your next draft. The first one is how about write some little quote your father gives to you as it goes with the main point of your writing at the conclusion paragraph? It would be great. And also, give us the information about how your father looks like. It would also give us good informtation.
anyway, I enjoyed your writing and I also learned a lot.