201100316 Kim Nam Hye
Have you ever experienced the coincidence that affects your destiny? I guess you have.
I can't remember why I came to think about this. But, there was a day when I suddenly thought about how I came to study German as my major. Why did I choose it? What was the motivation?
Then I got the simple answer for these. It all originated from the football World cup!
It may seem strange that the World cup motivates me to learn German.
Actually, when I was young, I wasn't interested in Germany at all. Maybe I was so young to have interest in foreign countries. Regarding Germany, I just knew few things that I learned from school.
For example, it is located in Europe. It is famous for delicious beer and sausage. Adolf Hitler, and the world war. I knew just some common knowledge.
However, the summer of 2006 changed my life partially. In 2006, the World cup was held in Germany. Unfortunately, the Korean national soccer team played badly. So, I might have lost interest in World cup. But, as the World cup was a big festival, I couldn't help watching it.
One day, I happened to watch the game of Germany national football team by chance. While watching the game, I was really thrilled. They had the perfect teamwork. All the players made passes accurately to their team members. When they got a chance to get score, they made it with no hesitance at all. Even the well-matched black&white uniform of the team looked stylish. Although, there were many other great teams there, I was really fascinated by the Germany soccer team.
After that, I gradually become to love the country Germany .I even thought about learning German. I wanted to go there, and communicate with the people living there. So, I decisively bought an introductory German language book to learn it by myself.
In fact, however, German was far more difficult language than I expected. Shamefully, I quitted learning it. But, I still have it in my bookshelf. Though, it is useless now, I can't throw it away, as it reminds me of the times.
A few years later, I became a high school student, and I had to choose a major before applying for colleges. At that time, I was convinced that I'm interested in learning languages, though I wasn't sure whether it may help me to get a better job. Anyway, I wanted to learn what I'm interested in. There were large amount of language departments in Hufs. Among those languages, German came in to my mind, as I had dreamed of learning it for a long time, and I wanted to learn occidental language too. So, I finally made a decision to apply for the department of German. Maybe my favor toward German finally led to an important decision I made.
Now, I'm used to the fact that my major is German, and I can speak, and understand it.
But, I had a time when I wasn't able to command the language, but really hope to do it.
When I think back of the times, I can feel the innocent desire of mine, and it's surprising that I realized the dream. It's also surprising that all this originated from the small accidental routine.
So, I sometimes think that a chance can make destiny, because I've experienced it.
It was very fun to read. I can also remember that time because as a one of the soccor fan, it was so fun at that time. German is still powerful team now and it is quite surprised that the soccer make you to get interest in their country. Your writing floats very well and that's why I am easy to read. But I think how about to make the essay into 5 paragraph, with 3 body paragraph. It would be more better. Also in my opinion, the last sentence is a bit out of what you want to say. You want to talk that the you choose the German major in chance and that become your destiny, but the whole writing, in my point of view, will be better if you narrow only into your interest in soccer links you into German. Anyway it was really good writing and I was so fun to read.
ReplyDeleteTo Namhye Kim From 염준호(Edward Yom) Assignment 2 First Draft
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is it is a personal story, and I get to know something about the writer.
2. Your main point seems to be that you found your destiny in Germany through the World cup.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful!
Words or lines: It may seem strange that the World cup motivates me to learn German.
I like them because it addresses a question that the readers may have, than provides an answer.
4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved.
a) Lines or parts: Maybe I was so young to have interest in foreign countries
Need improving because it is grammatically wrong.
Maybe I was too young to be interested in foreign countries
b) Lines or parts: However, the summer of 2006
Need improving because it is grammatically wrong.
However, in the summer of 2006
c) Lines or parts: badly
Need improving because it is grammatically wrong.
terribly, horribly, were bad
5. The one change that you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is looking over your grammar such as past tense in become, became later on in your essay.
To Namhye Kim
ReplyDeleteFrom Jiyeon Yang
Assignment #2
What i like about this piece of writing is how you came to study German as your maojr. Because I can feel what inspired you to study German through your essay.
Also I liked hook in your essay. It made me even more curious about your story so I could enjoy your essay until the end. Your main point seems that a chance can make destiny. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful.
The first one is "Even the well-mathed blak&white uniform of the team looked stylish." I like it because I can feel how much you love Germany through this line. Also,I think this line makes your essay more interesting. The second one is "At that time, I was convinced that I'm interested in learning languages, though I wasn't sure whether it may help me to get a better job." Because I can agree with you. I was also interested in learning English but i was not sure it would be helpful to get a better job because there are so many people who can speak english fluently. I can easily figure out how you felt through this line. However, Some things aren't clear to me. I can not understand why you wrote this line, which is "There were large amount of language departments in Hufs. Among those languages, German came in to my mind." Because I think you already explained what made you study German as your major as much as possible. So I think this line is not necessary. Also, splitting paragraphs needs improving because I think you divided paragraphs too much at the end of your essay.
The one chage you could make that woud make the bigget improvement in this piece of writing is splitting paragraphs.
I really enjoyed your essay. Thank you!
To,Namhye Kim
ReplyDeleteFrom Kwon Hye-ji
Assignment #3
3-a. One detail that made this experience seem real to me? Nam-hye talked about the World cup held in Germany in 2006 as the background she got interested in German. It really happened in the past and because I also remember the event, I could understand her opinion. Additionally, it is obvious that German football team is one of the best teams in the world and I agree that their uniform is very fashionable and stylish. She gave facts that I know so I feel her story came from her experience.
b. Places I got confused? In my opinion, there are some sentences make the coherence of the essay weaker. For examples, I think the line "I can't remember why I came to think about this." in the first paragraph is unnecessary and if the writer stated with strong opinion rather saying "I don't know why it suddenly comes to my mind.", she would give more impressive introduction. Also, another example is "I wanted to learn occidental language too" in the fifth paragraph. I can know she really has an interest in learning languages but in this point she needed to explain why German was more attractive for her than other languages. So I believe this sentence is also unimportant for the whole essay.
c. I think she gave a strong impression with the first sentence saying, "Have you ever experienced the coincidence that affects your destiny?" It stimulated my curiosity about what kind of story she has and how it impacted her life. I assumed that the story would be really surprising enough to change one's destiny. So, I am sure she started very well and it made me really want to read her essay. However, as I mentioned above, I believe saying "I can't remember why I came to think about this." can leave an impression that her story actually was not so impactive for her.
d. Basic verb tense she used is simple past tense. She changed the tense into simple present tense after the fifth paragraph. I think the tense change was appropriate because before the fifth paragraph she talked about her memory, but after then, she started talking about her current situation.
e. I believe if she replaces some sentences making her opinion weaker with stronger ideas, she can deliver her thoughts more consistently and effectively. Therefore, I would like to know how she improved the essay with more impactive and impressive sentences when she revised it.
Second draft
ReplyDeleteHave you ever experienced the coincidence that affects your destiny? I have one.One day, I suddenly thought about how I came to study German as my major. Why?
Then I got the simple answer for this. It all originated from the football World cup in 2006!
It may seem strange that the World cup motivates me to learn German.
In fact, when I was young, I had no interest in Germany. I was too young then. Regarding Germany, I just knew few things that I learned from school. For example, it is located in Europe. It is famous for delicious beer and sausage. The World War is blamed on Germany. I knew just some common knowledge.
However, the summer of 2006 changed my life partially. That year, the World cup was held in Germany. As the World cup was a big festival, I couldn’t help watching it.
One day, I happened to watch the game of Germany national football team by chance. While watching the game, I was really thrilled. If felt like I’ve found a new area that I can really enjoy: Watching German soccer. They had the perfect teamwork. All the players made passes to their team members as precisely as a square. When they got a chance to get score, they made it with no hesitance at all. Even the well-matched black&white uniform of the team looked stylish. Although, there were many other great teams there, I was really fascinated by the Germany soccer team, as they looked perfect.
After that, I gradually become to love Germany to the extent that I even thought about learning German. I wanted to learn their language and communicate with the people living there. So, I decisively bought an introductory German language book to learn it by myself.
In fact, however, German was far more difficult language than I expected. Shamefully, I quitted learning it.
A few years later, I became a high school student, and I had to choose my major before applying for colleges. I found out that I have the most interest in learning languages compare to any other studies. Among various languages, I decided to apply for the department of German with no hesitance. I think this occurred very naturally, as I had dreamed of learning it for a long time. In addition to that, I also wanted to learn occidental language. I guess my favor toward German finally led to an important decision I made.
Now, I’m used to the fact that my major is German, and I can speak, and understand it.But, I had a time when I wasn’t able to command the language, but really hope to do it.
When I think back of the times, I can feel the innocent desire of myself, and it’s surprising that I have realized the dream. It is also another surprise that all this originated from the small accidental routine. So, I sometimes think that a chance can make destiny, because I’ve experienced it.