It was a brightening weekend of July. My family went to the children's park together which was near my house. It was the day when I was going to learn about riding a bike. My parents have already bought a brand new bike which is available for 7 year old girl.
I kept falling from the bike. It was my first time to ride a bike with 2 wheels. Most of children learn bike starting from 4 wheels but my dad was so confident that I can handle 2 wheels. My father helped me balancing myself on the bike. He grabbed the back of bike and lead me to ride down the road. However, whenever he releases his handle after few seconds I kept rolling on grounds. It was hurtful and I started to lose my interest in riding a bike.
Finally, my father made an idea. He rented a bike at a bike store which was near the park. It was a bike with 2 seats. He asked me to sit behind him and grab his waist. At first I felt really uncomfortable because I've already fell from bike so much on that day and started to have a bad impression on riding a bike. It was the least thing that my father wished to happen. After several persuation from him, I had a seat behind him. Then he rode the bike.
It was the first time for me to ride a bike. I started to become little excited. The speed, the wind, the scent, everything I can feel on the bike was totally new. My father and I had fun on the bike with 2 seats during whole noon. Just before leaving the park, my father asked me if I'll give another try on riding my bike with 2wheels.
I already enjoyed the atmosphere and excitement for riding a bike and I easily agreed with him. I had my first step on my bike. What really wonderer is that I perfectly rode my bike. I kept my balance and felt easy to handle it. Maybe it was because of whole practices of balancing on the bike with my dad.
This is the memory which I still remember very clearly. Now I really love bike. I'm very appretiate of my parents for supporting me not to lose interest in riding a bike. Riding a bike has now became one of my favorite sports. Through the experience witih my family especially my father, I've obtained the one which I really love and enjoy.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Yoonhae Kang / first draft / Tue 9am
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To Yoon hye from Namhye
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is that you described your experience very realistic. So, I can picture the scenery of your riding bike very easily.
Also, the whole paragraphs are well distributed. I mean the amount of sentences in each paragraph seems very appropriate.
2. Your main point seems to be your beautiful childhood memory of learning how to ride bike with thankful help of your father. Now you ride bike , and you sometimes think back of this memory.
3. "Most of children learn bike starting from 4 wheels but my dad was so confident that I can handle 2 ."
I like this sentence , because you explained the background of starting bike with 2wheels, in a simple, and understandable way.
I think your writing is very descriptive ,I mean the whole sentences are very descriptive.
4. I would like to suggest some changes in your sentence.
-Finally, my father made an idea.
--> Finally, my father come up with a good idea.
In my opinion, in this way, the sentece looks more interesting and specific.
-. After several persuation from him, I had a seat behind him.
--> Since my father kept persuading me
Also, if you change your sentence like this, the reader might understand what you mean more easier.
5. I'm very appretiate of my parents for supporting me not to lose interest in riding a bike.
-> I really appreciate my father for supporting me to get interested in riding a bike.
the word appreciate was not correct in your sentence.
I think using negative in your sentence looked quite uncomfortable to read, so I changed it differently.
5. The one change you could make the biggest improvement in your writing is : If you add one more paragraph before the last paragrapn,and write about your experience/feeling of the time after you enjoy the bike, it would be better.
From. Hyejin Kim
ReplyDeleteI especially liked the sentence 'The speed, the wind, the scent, everything I can feel on the bike was totally new' because it described your feeling well and suggested that you're motivated enough to try one more time before coming back home. However, there were two parts that were confusing to me; "but my dad was so confident that I can handle 2 wheels" and "Maybe it was because of whole practices of balancing on the bike with my dad." I thought 'handle 2 wheels' could be revised like 'handle 2 wheel-bike' because actually you didn't handle wheels but bike. And I just wondered what you meant in the latter sentence. I was confused whether you wanted to say the experience of riding 2-seats bike with dad or riding your bike alone. In terms of the first paragraph, id did not really attractive. In my opinion, you could start with a question like 'do you remember when you ride a bike at the first time?', since it naturally led the readers to thinking about their experiences and they would wonder your experience too. But constant use of past tense was appropriate I think. If you want to know what you would add to the writing, I'd like to say that you can specify the experience of riding 2-seats bike with your father. For example you can add more explantion about how the bike was driven like you didn't have to drive or balance the bike and all you had to do was stepping on the pedals. Thank you.
The sentence that you first bike, 'The speed, the wind, the scent, everything I can feel on the bike was totally new" it reminds me of the time when I first start to bike. So it gives me very vivid image. I love this sentence. The opening of your sentence was interesting. I think it was good opening because it seems like that your writing make me feel like reading a novel. 'bightening weekend of July' sentence was very good to start. You use past tense very well and you come back to present tense at the conclusion paragraph. But I got little confused at place where you start to ride. I think it would be much better if you write more concrete in depict of how you fail on bike or add more your feelings of bike failing. These would be much better to make for your writing. Anyway it was really good writing and I loved to read it.
ReplyDelete2nd draft
ReplyDeleteYoonhae Kang
It was a sunny and warm weekend of July. My family went to the children's park together which was near my house. It was the day when I was going to learn about riding a bike. My parents have already bought a brand new bike which fits for a 7 year old girl.
However, the riding was not easy. I kept falling from the bike. It was my first experience of keeping my balance on bike. In addition, the bike had only 2 wheels. Most of children learn bike starting from 4 wheels but my dad was so confident that I can handle 2 wheel bike. My father helped me balancing myself on the bike. He grabbed the back of bike and lead me to ride down the road. However, whenever he releases his handle after few seconds I kept rolling on grounds. It was hurtful and I started to lose my interest in riding a bike.
Finally, my father come up with a good idea. He rented a bicycle at a bike store which was near the park. It was tandem, a bicycle with 2 seats. He asked me to sit behind him and grab his waist. At first I felt really uncomfortable because I've already fell from bike so much on that day and started to have a bad impression on riding a bike. It was the least thing that my father has wished to happen. Since my father kept persuading me, I finally had a seat behind him. Then he rode the tandem.
It was the first time for me to ride a bicycle. I started to become little excited. The speed, the wind, the scent, everything I can feel on the vehicle was totally new. My father and I had fun on tandem during whole noon. Just before leaving the park, my father asked me if I'll give another try on riding my bicycle with 2 wheels.
I already enjoyed the atmosphere and excitement for riding a bike and I easily agreed with him. I had my first step on my bike. What really wonderer is that I perfectly rode my bike. I kept my balance and felt easy to handle it. Maybe it was because of whole practices of balancing on the bike with my dad.
This is the memory which I still remember very clearly. Now I really love bike. I really appreciate my father for supporting me to get interested in riding a bike. Riding a bike has now became one of my favorite sports. Through the experience witih my family especially my father, I've obtained the one which I really love and enjoy.